Can’t You Wait Until You Get to the Office You Coffee-Sipping Yuppie?

The other day I was on my way to work on the Red Line and my longtime nemesis sits down on the adjacent front-facing seat. He doesn’t know he’s my enemy, of course, nor the fact that I’ve sworn a blood oath to scorn anyone who uses those damnable sippee thermos/mugs to drink their coffee.

I don’t drink coffee. It’s disgusting, tastes like dirt, makes your breath stink, and turns your teeth nasty colors. I’ll grant it smells good, but the latter nowhere near makes up for the former.

I don’t mind coffee drinkers in general, though, except the aforementioned thermos-sipping-yuppie types. This guy is one of them. Perfect little black thermos with its perfect little black handle so he can hold his elbow out at that perfect angle and take his perfect little sips. And I get a nostril full of aroma after every perfect little sip. It’s hard to concentrate on my book because I’m dreaming of how I’ll unleash my fury if for some reason the train stops short and his scalding brown water ends up in my lap.

“That’s why they don’t allow drinks on the Metro you MORON!!!”
“Your cute little thermos isn’t spill-proof after all, huh?”
“Why can’t you drink coffee like a man?!?!”

Lucky for him, he gets off a few stops later.

Let the Chips Fall Where They May

The other day I was on my way home from work, nestled comfortably in one of the little one-seats next to the partition near the rear door of my car. These are my favorite seats, because there’s absolutely no way someone can sit next to me, I get both the armrest on one side and the partition on the other to support my arms while reading, and I still get to sit sideways and avoid any possibility of motion sickness.

Perfect unless, of course, a huge fat man sits down in the forward-facing seat next to me and starts eating a bag of chips.

I cannot stand people who dare to eat on Metro. The Metro Authority sets a strict no-eating-or-drinking rule accompanied by a major fine ($250, I think). Unfortunately, I have yet to see one of these fines enforced; I yearn for the opportunity like Dane Cook looks forward to seeing somebody get hit by a car. The rule is a good one, because the reason D.C. has the best subway system in the country is because people aren’t allowed to eat three meals a day on the trains like the stinkin’ New Yorkers do. Thus the trains stay clean and, most importantly, rodent and insect free. So when somebody’s eating on my train, it pisses me off.

This guy is even worse, though, because it's a bag of chips making a bunch of noise—both the bag and the gnashing. Even WORSE: He keeps eating the chip crumbs falling on his huge stomach.

And then he does one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen on the Metro: When a chip crumb falls on the seat next to him, he picks it up and pops it into his mouth.

Tourists.